Weighing Your Options
Deciding to end a marriage is never easy, especially when children are involved. I never imagined I would get divorced, and it wasn't something I wanted. However, when my children's and my safety were at risk, I had no other option. Although things eventually calmed enough for me to regain control, it was an emotionally exhausting and difficult period. When you are in it, it is hard to keep your eyes on the horizon and know that there are better days ahead. Grappling with this decision? Here are some factors to help you assess your situation.
Reflect on the Relationship: Take time to assess the core issues of your marriage. Ask yourself if attempts at resolving problems (such as counseling or open communication) have been exhausted or if divorce is the only path left.
I really wrestled with this because I wanted so badly to save the marriage, and even allowing myself to have negative thoughts felt like a betrayal. So, I pushed everything aside and tried to ignore it, but that only made things worse. If you're feeling the same way, the best thing you can do is start looking at the situation clearly. Try to step back and remove some of the emotion, even if it's hard. Something as simple as making a pros and cons list can help—what's good, what's worth fighting for, and what are the things you simply can't live with.
Consult a Therapist or Counselor: A professional can help you sort through your emotions and clarify your decision. They can also provide strategies to communicate with your children about divorce, which is crucial for their well-being.
I initially sought out therapy because I made an appointment for marriage counseling. I was so determined to make the marriage work, but when he didn’t show up, I ended up talking to the therapist alone. In that first session, I shared bits and pieces of what was going on, though I wasn’t ready to reveal everything. Still, I knew I needed to talk to someone. By the end of the session, we decided I would continue seeing her individually, as my own therapist, rather than as a marriage counselor. If we ever sought couples counseling, it would be with someone else.
Having her support during that time truly saved my life. I didn’t fully grasp the seriousness of the situation until I was able to speak honestly with someone outside of it all. If you're considering divorce, you must consider therapy. You don’t have to go through it alone. If you need to talk it out, you can start by contacting me. I’m not a professional and I can’t offer any legal or therapeutic advice, but if you need a compassionate listener, reach out.
Assess Your Safety and Well-being: If your marriage involves abuse or neglect, prioritize your safety. Reach out to trusted friends, family, or support groups for guidance. Women’s shelters or legal aid resources can also provide assistance if needed.
This is one of the scariest situations to be in - I was there and I get it. I should have left sooner than I did and I’m so lucky and grateful my children and I weren’t physically harmed. If you feel threatened, put space between yourself and your spouse while you work it out. I know that is easier said than done, but take it seriously. There were a number of times I should have called 911, and later in court lawyers tried to diminish the seriousness of the threat since I did not make that call. My sister put it in a way that truly resonated with me. She said, when something serious happens in life—something that calls for an emergency like dialing 911—there’s no dramatic music playing in the background, like in a movie or TV show, to heighten the intensity. It feels surreal, but it’s still very real. If you feel threatened, don’t hesitate to act.
Prepare for Change: Understand that divorce will change not only your relationship but also your financial and living situation. Begin researching the legal aspects of divorce, including custody arrangements and property division.
Don’t let this scare you off - having the information is just data gathering - researching the logistics does not mean you have to go through with it if you are unsure (as long as you and your children are in a safe environment). But knowledge is power.
Speak to a Lawyer Early: Even before making a final decision, consulting a divorce attorney can provide you with important legal advice on what steps to take next.
Be careful - a lot of attorneys will charge a lot of money for these introductory conversations. Do your research, as around in your area, get recommendations - even if you have to find ways to do that anonymously. And don’t rule out an attorney that seems overpriced - if that attorney’s reputation is stellar you will end up saving money in the long run.